halfway; a reflection on sacrifice

^^ this is what sisters do at their 1/2 way mark. stuff whatever ^^

we can find in our shirts to take pregnant pictures. get it? 9 months?

Wednesday, June 18 was my 9 month mark. Can you say crazy?!?!?!?!? I still can't believe I'm half way. Sometimes it feels like so much longer. But most of the time it seems sooooo much shorter. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it. It's caused me to do a lot of self reflection - about what I've done in the last 9 months and what I want to do in the next 9 months. Have I really done my best and served with all my heart, might, mind and strength? I look at the person I am now compared to the person I was 9 months ago. In all honesty, I look in the mirror and I don't recognize myself anymore. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, in all aspects. The good news is that my spirituality and my relationship with Heavenly Father and with the Savior has grown in leaps and bounds in the last 9 months. But I often feel this overwhelming desire to be normal again. To be able to actually take care of myself and my body so that I don't feel gross and sick all the time. I want to use my talents and what I'm good at to create and to design things, to dance and to express myself. Sometimes I feel that everything I love, everything that has become such a part of me over the last 20 years is slowly starting to disappear. And that's hard to see because I love who Heavenly Father has created me to be! I really do! I love myself. (In the most un-narcissistic way possible.) But now I feel as if God is asking me to take those gifts and talents and sacrifice them for Him. That's so hard because these gifts and talents are good things! It's different than having to sacrifice sin or addiction because these are gifts that He has given me. 

It's got me thinking a lot about the story of Abraham and Isaac. In our mission, we've been talking a lot about "stepping onto the mount" meaning trusting God and sacrificing our will for his. In Genesis 22:2 the Lord commands Abraham and says "take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of." I don't know what Abraham was thinking, but if I were him, I'd be thinking something along the lines of "Seriously?? I just got this kid after waiting for how many years? And now I have to give him up??" Needless to say, I would not be a happy camper.

But verse 3 tells us that "Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him." No questions asked, Abraham does exactly what God has asked of him. I would never assume to say that it was an easy task, but Abraham was willing to give whatever God asked of him.

I've been reading about other great men in the church's history such as John Tanner or John Rowe Moyle who sacrificed so much for the Lord, and I want to be like them. We read in the scriptures that "whosoever shall lose his life for my sake shall find it." (Matthew 16:25) If there was ever a time that I felt like I've lost myself, it is now. And I can only trust that with God, I will find myself again.

Sometimes a lot of the time, missions are hard. and like any other missionary, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I was not a missionary. But then I remember the importance of the message that I share. I remember the reason that I have been asked to give up so much at such a crucial point in my life. I remember that Christ was willing to sacrifice Himself for me, and I reflect on what I am willing to sacrifice for Him. I am so grateful for everything a mission has taught me and for the 9 months I still have ahead of me.

Life is full of sacrifices, and I want to hear about yours.
When in your life have you had to sacrifice something good, and yet received something better because of it?

xo