The Decision to Serve (Part Two)

And the story continues. Read part one here.

 "Congratulations!" The email read. An unusual mix of adrenalin and utter defeat encompassed me. Contrary to what I wanted, I sent in my application to BYU-Idaho half hoping that I would be declined or that my application would be lost amidst the thousands of other blonde Utah Mormon girls that would apply. But there that email was, staring me in the face with full-fledged acceptance. "You've got to be kidding me." I muttered under my breath. I couldn't help but feel a little bit excited that someone deemed my disarrayed life to be somewhat acceptable, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it. I walked into the kitchen to inform my mom of the news.

"So... uh... I got accepted to BYU-I." I said nonchalantly. I wanted to make this as insignificant as possible. "That's awesome!" she replied with enthusiasm. She then proceeded to ask me about what I was going to do next. "Ummm..." I hesitated. I couldn't deny that the spirit had prompted me to apply and that this was God wanted me to do. But I just couldn't get myself to want it. "I'll have to think about it." I responded, and left it at that. And think about it, I did. Days turned into weeks and that email sat in my inbox. Maybe I thought that Heavenly Father would change his mind if I waited long enough. But that never happened. He was unwavering and I was stubborn and so my predicament continued.

Meanwhile, my best friend was preparing to serve a mission. Ever since I met her when she was 12 and I was 11 she was one of those girls that always knew she would serve a mission and when the call came to serve at age 19, she responded immediately. I, on the other hand, had no desire to serve a mission of any kind. People would ask me if I was going to serve a mission too and I would immediately shut them down. I did not want to entertain the idea whatsoever.

I never would have admitted it then, but looking back, I think I was scared. Scared of another new place with more new people, scared of anything unfamiliar, scared of being forgotten by my friends at home, the list goes on. But mostly, I think I was scared because I felt like I had no control over my life anymore, and that terrified me. Ultimately I let my fear get the best of me. Regardless of what God had told me, I didn't go to BYU-I, something that I still regret to this day. I thought, "I know myself and I know what was best for me, right?" as many of us foolishly so often do. I continued to work at Chick-Fil-A and wait. What I was waiting for, I'm not sure. But my life was heading straight into a dead end.

And I was miserable. My job was miserable. My dating life was miserable (and oh, is that a story for another day.) I went to the local college and took a couple college classes, and then proceeded to fail those college classes. I couldn't understand why everything was going so poorly. I was being good, wasn't I? I wasn't doing anything wrong! I would plead to God for answers, but my prayers continued in a pattern of "why me?" and the answers continued to be what I didn't want to hear.

I felt that God was distant. I knew what I wanted and I thought that it would make me happy. If God really loved me and wanted me to be happy, he would give me what I wanted, right? At this point, I don't know if I was even sure what I wanted anymore. But I knew that it was going to take something big to get me out of this giant rut.

Part Three